"Ebare Pujoy" A personal essay in Bengali -- by Meenakshi Datta

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@U@ ~T  j@vq B , BTBTv B | @AS ~w @ j@v j@v @ T PA ha,   gJB @ O  c O-Awv Z Z A@ @aS, aU U @T cJo OJ U cdha | @-kB ATAvC ca,  c d AXo^ SR ha, @@ @ A c  Ai@  sha |

~T @a s OR   ~v ~T Q cAr UR AT, ZAr q AT | cCAU A^ BfcS kwkB Oq c TAB@ lc ~ Sq, j@ Ai@ oTf ~SS cU s S | OAS TA, SS BT, ~ | A@r A@rf T sw, Sv@ AU, B eZF, B @, b@ cAF - @ @f !

j@c  TAU U cJo jUS B ~w | cUUS, ~AS @Sc B sw S S | jc ~q c| @S ? @H jc T B, J BSUS |

~AT gS@ ZAr UT | c T ~T TS  aU  TR @S OJ U c S, @S s S P P @ AT ~S, AcBS A, @S SO S gS SO ?

~T P@r ~T T Ag c ~T AS j@v Sv@ U @AaUS | TI TI OFAAv r  | ZS T AU@ PA @ AS, UZ@, AOn@, ~AgS, w@ @a ~T sT AvA@v AcAn @ | cc avcU c^ @Ac ~AB  aU r (nABl ) ~ ~AT AaUT H c^ | ~T  r W W AvA@v AcAn @ sT qc ~oF ccf cA - @^@A^ AcG , q^UF of^S , UB@ rT@ T vS BfcSS^ r, ToQH sJ @UT, q UfU TBT, ~rkH cf, BfcS sJ dAU  OR TASf - S^ cf, gf cf, O^cf, BU@i Ac@r , c^ OMof, To@i T^ R rFTU |

j ~w, ~ ~\c, ~AT r@ ~So @T ~T@  An@v ZU c AS s, ZS A@ r A@a AB  S, cU, S, AT  T, T An@v ZU S | jqgc r R  cU@ c^ TcU ZU, WA RS c AcKq ~T  ASKo BA @AaU | cm, ~T  ZU s  Z Uw  S,  AaU A  TF - ~SF aU @f cUc ! cUc, jT ! q T  ZAU ! q A@ T rS Oq ~TS j@Av aU ~ @f   ? jZS s j TFv wa  S | ~T SA ASK  B^AS @S T@ ST^^ @ S | jw ca jq cU@ TZ q ~ckO@ wAU AcrKHv rS s |

T B @cS S q ~AT lA | cUUT, c: ! ASEOq sw c | @@ A B @cS ?

TAU AcAm  cUUS, @S ? dTrq B @cS !

~AT QH T OMof, oHf cf, @Tf gOs, ~rkH cf, Ag c@ A  gc d @Aa | jJ @Uq s emp A  S, @ @  cv ! cUUT, c s cUUS T B ? ZS J BSUS s B @cS dK, i@ ~Sc aU, oSAO-SpF, gS SO cq sTS  TS c, o T ToF @ c vB, Ac Z @Bv  @c @H ~T  aU SA@ ~B@U OJ v@ AS S-a @, B A n  T Z Sr @ \U cJo | TS TS cAU, o ~B@U ? o jq  aU ? o A@ B T ?

jv ca AAr@ ~w @ | sk BAS jZS ~T  B dTrq AcAc @ @fc sS T^  OUaS, T mS @, @ rA  J BwS AhaS, gw JoaS | AS TAU ~T@ BASAaUS s @f @ sc, rm s ~a q  @ c ! jTS ~cmc @ sJ cU S J  @ @ ~S@ S OO O AC AcrS @AaUT |

rm ~a jq @Av Oq AcBS@R ~ A@a Sq | jq @ cU TSK s  @a, oT ~B s sXo @a, ~ @S A@a TS AS | JO B ca o rmf ~SrS Tm oT TSK@ ^ @ aa | jZS T ja rm cFv SS @ Z | @S rm ? @ UZ ? @c UZ ? ~T A@ AOA@l A@ AcS AcK Zpmvkc r@ Acr TS @A ? c oTAO^ ~U c @S ?

rm @f ? A@a QTrUf U@ c wf AcAg^ sw rm PA @AaUS | q q sw co, UANo, em BTa wa sTS wJ ~i BT | ~S@ cFAw jFB, DK, AXA^ | m, ~L@A^@R j @r  | QTR j@v cF ~a-@ Sc, @ cA c | rm ~qS S, eAcoS S, pAcf @U oT rm ~a, ~SrS ~a, s TS OU r ~B ~ Sq |

rm ~T @f Aa ? rm ArAZa TSK TSK l @ | T  rm cOS TS rq Sq, c rmq  AcQ |

rm ~a :

~cK gc wMf SccK  AHf
rcK gcl @SF oe B:mU

B:mU c ~wq @SF@ nm @ c, ~v ca cq q ~r T | TSeA ~a FB @SF@ nm @ U A mwc , @ ~v@ c S J mw sR |

rm cUa

A cQA @MT
g QA sMcS
QA^ mAc n
S mf m^TA

mofS Sf ~Ao@ Sq |

Tm rmq A@ g  s@ A^ cUaS @pA jce s@ jZS ~T c^S @A energy R nature R sex cU ?

Sf T @ c S, SS  ~Ao@ Sq, cQ|Os  BSF ASAKXo | cUa : s@U @@,  R mfU@ A@ @U cwH @A S | s Acn AcS  | gcS !

rmS T ASB W Sq (c cA, mTf cA, aU cA) ASB ^S  @pL Sq | ZS @ UABAvTqB @ BSF f , PcocF  T AA@ cF  cQ|Hq T ZAv c @a | cq rm ST OUS AaU ! jZS A@ ~ ~T rm c Acn cOS TS OUAa ? c B cF TS @S ?

A^oT j@v gU A@ ~a s ~SF oT Sq | SAm@, ~Am@, ercf, j@rcf - s @ A^  S | q ~ B^kn ~ATR A^ | @S oTf ~SrS, oTf AS, ~O c r@ cF coFco@ ~T Sq | Sq vA, Sq wA, Sq ABc | ~T Sq @S j@AvTn w^- cqcU, @S, B^cm, w^c |

~S@ cUS c ~g^ | A@ @S c ? c  Ov | ~S@ cUS wf | A@ wf  coS cFZF | @ A@ cU  @S cFZF Ai@ ? cCAU TUTS TAU sTS j@ cHR ~Ac S BS TS S cI STB S, A^ cCAU TAU TS S cI di@ @a Aw wfi rSS |

rm A@ cBSfS B AcoS ~a ? OJ U B @ A@ Acrr@ ~w @ Sa : T sZS OJ U B mc U ZS  cfof wU wU c UAaUS | jZS  c Bq cBSfS | jc U OU @ T A B @S, jce cUq cUF ~cQ|H A @H T AXBL Sq |

A^oT @\S A@v gorgeous-jv TSq  | SfL s @\S ~a kw co  cOq ^ f@ | kw ~  @Uf | AASq cTf, AASq oe @S, AASq pA @S, AASq Q @S | dK@ @ZS ZS T @ZS  ASO | AASq @pGcH, AASq wMf Sf -- jq @\S ~SF @S oT Sq | A^oT Sf ~TSR sTS, TAS gA R @AcL Ok^ R Z q |

T AXBL Sq |  ScB^  S, q c Tq TS (~U A@ AXBL Tq  sZS  Tf  | ~U co jq ~A R r rA cA:@r@q dK g ) | T ToF q BAAcO Sq, s-@S ArAQ emp BS T B @ S | c hOH SA@ T ~Ao@ Sq (, @U@ rOs j j@ cU j@Av T J@ O TAaU, TS ~a) | @ U c wf-f T^ U | c A@ @ S ~B@U ! rNf  rNf oU BTa   |  TSR ~B@U @ cI S | US @  k @ |

AcrK @ kw sZS ASB j@BS T, T  B J ~A @ @ S | dKR  cr ZArq cS, o kBF cf SS | BAASR  J F Sf | a, e cArgw Tq rv , ~ cAr | kw@ q ~T c T f@ cU TS  |

~T TR rv | A@ dK @a @ v UA@ Zq ~T ~gFm AaUT | jZS ~m ~m JA@ A d @Aa : hOToFAT@ T , jS qUv , mvT-U AO SpL A, TrkSF sn @ |

B T^ @ A@a A@a rN cU c c c A c | T SS B A OFJOcS S A A @ | ~T cUc S oSe A, sre A, ne A | sA Sl cUq OS U n- Bw ^S rNAv cA ScS |

(c-36, ~vc, 2005)

~UH : BAK cS

jq UZ ~S @TS UwU ?